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Tired Musings

It's a 9:40 PM on a Thursday night, well past my bed-time (lol), and I have a hectic day of physical activity tomorrow.
I'm sitting on my bad, my laptop out in front of me, considering things.
Like how I have to take Society and Culture next year instead of Biology.
And how I had that English homework that I should probably be doing, but I can't because it's based on a story I haven't read and an essay I haven't written.

I'm silently cursing Fred Gallagher for not posting up more Megatokyo for me to read, and loudly cursing Aidan for not giving me anything to draw.

My tablet pen is missing, anyway, so it's not as if I could draw something if he had written something...

No-one reads this. And it's sort of a comforting thought. I mean, if no one reads this then I can type whatever I want and it won't matter.

Only thing is, I don't have anything scandelous to type to shock the invisible masses.

I guess I can just go of a tangent.

I hate pretty people. I hate beng around them and looking like shit by comparison. I also hate ugly people. Girls who are sort-of-attractive hang around ugly people to look better by comparison, right? Well, I have some news for you. If you're around someone THAT UGLY, all anyone is going to see is that fat, ugly girl andsome chick she hangs out with.
Speaking of friends, lately I've been thinking a lot about them. Friends, I mean. And whether I really have any. Sure, I say I have heaps of friends. But none of these are people I can call drunk at 3 am in a crying fit.

Not that I drink or cry.

But you're missing the point.
The point is that I don't trust people enough to show myself to them. I guess it's all about barriers and lifting them up.

barriers and fences and gates and, well...

Walls.

They can be put up, and they can be torn down.

They can have doors, windows…and I’m not just talking about your average building walls here. People can have them too.

On the inside and the outside.

They can keep someone out or they can let someone in. It’s our safety mechanism, our own personal shield of protection. They can keep you safe but when you let them down, it’s clear that you can be hurt.

So it’s not always easy to let down your drawbridge and let everyone pour in single file. You can try and pretend that you don’t care but no one wants to be that vulnerable, no matter what they say.

Even if the door is open…there can be a brick wall behind it.

Make sure you don’t run into it, don’t make assumptions about your relationship with someone. They don’t always see you the way you see them…you have to put forth an effort if you want something in return; whether it be, feelings or actions.

There is no smooth course to someone’s heart, there is always a path riddled with rocks and weeds that will snatch you up if you try to run through it. But you’ll have to get through it to make any kind of impression.

You have to make your way along at a walk, sometimes you have to wander off that path, even clip and trim a few weeds and once you reach it, you have to take down that wall.

Brick. By. Brick.

It’s just like trust.

You have to earn it little by little, erode away the doubt like a steady wave as it crashes against an imposing stone face. And you know that takes time, okay, so in this case it’s not a hundred years or so, but it still isn’t an easy task…you have to stay dedicated even through setbacks and obstacles.

And not everyone is willing to do that…and finding that out can hurt; you had thought that maybe they did, maybe they had wanted to get to know you.

But there are people who do.

So don’t waste your time on anyone who doesn’t.

Some people know they have to want to be let in and that a part of that is wanting to work for that entry.

No matter how high the cost of admission happens to be.

I know it can be hard to see the positives of intentionally making yourself vulnerable but, they are there…you just need some help to see them. It’s easy to get lost inside your own world of lullabies and flowers, shielding yourself from the rampant chaos that is most people’s reality.

It’s your escape, and despite what people say it doesn’t mean you’re out of touch.

You’re just protecting yourself.

But you know, there is something beautiful about baring yourself to the world. Something so amazing that you can feel when you let someone in and they show you things you never thought you could see.

Things you never thought you could feel.

You can keep your refuge but you should still be able to reach that point where you won’t be blind to what the world can offer.

No matter how much it can hurt or how much you might have to lose in order for that to happen.


But, really, what would I know about baring myself to the world?

I mean, I'm so goddamn two-faced

BEJESUS!

Sweet gravy, that last entry was DEPRESSING!

Meh. I guess it’s just the mood I’ve been in. Something to do with wasting my life for the past month, and having to go back to school on Thursday.

I mean, I meant every word of it, but I’m feeling sunnier now.

Which is kinda strange, because the sky was grey a second ago and now it’s all blue and shiny. I’m looking out the window at the sea, now, and it’s fantastic and blue and... fantastic.

Maybe my emotions are tied to the weather.

That WOULD be creepy, because in this co... mi... okay- I’ll just fade out of that sentence I was about to complete. But, in any case, it would be uber strange, and a little bit cool.

Nadia’ll know what I’m talking about.

Well, if he ever read this. Which he won’t.

Today I’m thinking about nerding it up and watching the finale of Avatar again, even though it sucks hairy monkey testicles. Rose is out with Tia (her one true love… other than her extremely tall boyfriend) and then later we’re going to the movies.

I feel like drawing. I know that no one here will understand what this means, but I’ve redesigned my boots, and I’ve written a profile for A.

Yeah. You heard me right.

TATA!

Who Am I?

When someone asks you who you are, most people have a sound understanding. They know their name, age, address and personality. Sure, most people always ask themselves the question ‘Who Am I?’ because, duh, it’s a hard question to answer.

And, unfortunately, it’s a question you have to answer yourself.

For the past week, or so, I have been going through some painful self-reflection. I guess that’s what you get when you’re hanging out in the house all day with nothing to do for three weeks.

I guess it all started when I was hanging out with Aidan one day. He asked me why I wasn’t at Carla’s birthday breakfast, and I said that I couldn’t go because it was Suzie’s birthday that day, too.
He understood, and then laughed. He went on to tell me that people – my friends – had been talking about me behind my back. Over the past year, I’ve pretty much obtained a reputation as a scary bitch, or so it seems.

I pretended not to care that these people had been gossiping about me, and I asked him what they said. ‘Stuff about how you’re mean,’ he said, ‘and rude to them.’ I laughed it off, and said that I’m a bitch and everyone knows that.

But it stuck with me. Was this what people really thought of me? Because I’m not really like that. At least, I wasn’t always. It’s a façade, some might say. Because the person underneath all the brashness and lies is someone fragile and honest. I don’t want to be fragile.

Whilst doing my drama homework a few days ago, my sister came into the room. Rose asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was writing my monologue. She said that she’d do Drama as an elective if it didn’t involve writing a monologue.
‘I’d be pretty good at it,’ she mused, ‘because I’m a good liar.’
I didn’t deny it.
‘I’m good at the written,’ I told her, ‘but I’m just not naturally talented as an actor.’
As these words came out of my mouth, I realised they were true. I’m loud and confident in class- but my teachers were always saying that I needed to ‘let go’ or ‘be the character’.
‘It’s because you’re naturally honest,’ Rose said, ‘you can’t be anyone but yourself.’

Myself. Who is that person? I think I lost her somewhere along the way.

For a while now, Rose has been referring to me as Two Faced. I hate people behind their backs, but I am nice to their faces. It’s because, I realise, I want to please both them and the people who hate them. ‘It’s okay to be a bitch, but being Two Faced is just cowardly.’

I can never lie. I spin half-truths, like the witches in Macbeth or something like that. My mom, before she died, she wrote me a letter. It’s long and it always makes me cry to read it because I see what she saw me as. Her angel. One of the lines says something like, ‘I know how sad you get when you think you’ve let someone down.’

I don’t know what the real line says. I haven’t been able to find the letter since we moved.

But I realized that I want to be that person who hates letting people down. Because, I’ve become someone who lets people down on a regular basis and doesn’t care.

I guess the Spinning Half-Truths thing is part of me not wanting to let people down, or upset them. At least I’ve held onto that much, I suppose. They aren’t white lies, exactly. They’re just me not saying what I completely feel. Which is strange, because I come off as this really opinionated person who says what she thinks when she thinks it.

This rambling, depressing letter to no one is just leading up to this one statement.

I don’t know who I am, anymore.

Writer's Block: Where Names Come From

Is there a story behind your real name or avatar? How did you end up being called that?


My screen name - CheshireMeshire - is a shameless take on the Cheshire Cat, from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
My real name - Barbara - has a much more frustrating background history. My sister was two when I was born. My mother approached her, belly swelling with my unborn fetus, and she had the nerve to ask Rose, "What should we call your new baby sister?"
Rose, being a complete and utter idiot, said, "Barbie."
And then it was settled, and my life was doomed. If being named after a doll wasn't enough, I hate the curse of being blonde and blue-eyed.
Once, a boy in my class kept on calling me Barbie. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. I grabbed his hair, yanked back his head and poised my fingernails over his throat.
"Call me Barbie one more time," I threatened darkly, "And I will rip out your fucking esophagus."
Needless to say, he never called me Barbie again.
The name Barbara doesn't enjoy such a great reputation. 'Barbara Bush', 'Barbra Strisand'. Yeah, I've heard it all.

And I can thank my older sister for that.
Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak, or are you just going to wing it?


Thank god! This was just the thing to cheer me up after that depressing entry I just wrote.
And, as opposed to the previous one, to this I actually have an answer.
If zombies were chasing me, I have a few people who I wouldn't hesitate to use as meat shields.
Let's call them the M.S's The M.S's are a crazy bunch of people I hate, who should actually go die in a hole.
But if they were to die protecting me from rioting undead, I wouldn't complain.

Peace Out.

Writer's Block: On Your Tombstone

What do you want written on your gravestone and why?


I tend to do a lot of these. Writer's Block, I mean. I guess I can never think of the right thing to write about.
This also applies to my Tombstone. First of all- this is a very morbid thought. But not something I haven't thought about.
Something incredibly depressing is the first thing that pops into my mind- Troops of angels sing thee to thy rest. Firstly, this is a quote from Hamlet. That's not so depressing. What's depressing about it is that it's what's written on my mothers Tombstone. Or plaque. Whatever.

Having a quote would be nice. I don't want any of those foo-foo Jewish symbols on my Tombstone. They're just stupid. And I know that Jewish graves are supposed to be basic and modest- but I'd really like something big and noticable. But nothing too weird- like a giant nose or whatever. Believe me, I've seen some crazy shit on my trips to the cemetery.

I guess I'd want all the basic stuff. Date of birth, date of death. Mother, wife, daughter etc. (well, that really depends on how young I die, or if I even have children).

In short- this is a depressing question.
Vampires or werewolves?



IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION?!?!

Vampires, for the love of god, vampires. They are just SO MUCH COOLER than werewolves. Vampires are creatures of the night, whereas vampires are creatures of the three days a month.

Like, seriously, they can be replaced by any single girl in the world. (Holds for laughter).

Besides, Twilight totally put me off werewolves. Listen, I get the whole imprinting thing, but the KID IS A FRIKKEN BABY! GROSS!

That is all.

Oliver!

Man, I'm tired. The school play, which is bound to be the only production I end up having any lines in, is really draining.
Well, I'm not on stage that long, and you can count the amount of lines I have on your fingers... but it's still draining. I sing a lot, and there are costume changes, and I've been at NIDA all week, preparing. I only get home at 11 PM, and then yesterday I had to go to school, only to go back to the theatre for another show.
Today, though, I skipped school. I remember Suzie asking me if I wanted to sleep in, and I said 'yes'. Well, to be fair, it probably sounded more like, 'mffessie'.
My mouth feels really raw, and I don't know why. I think I've been biting the insides of my cheeks.
Aw man... last night, I completely fucked up. First, instead of saying, "There is a young person, sir, at the back door- enquiring for you. She says she has come about Oliver" I said, "There is a young lady, at the door, asking for you and saying something about Oliver."
Fuck. Well, at least I'm the only one (plus the rest of the cast) who realised it. But everyone fucked up last night. So it wasn't just me.
Everyone’s lines were messed up, and the costumes were rubbish. I think it was because it was our second night, and we got too confident. We were all 'Meh, we can do it' and so we fucked it up.
The worst part, is that for the bows, my group of people (consisting of Oliver, Aidan and I) were a bit messy. Well, Oliver was the messy one. I hate him so much...
Anyway, the point is that Bauer (the director) got on MY case about it. "You group will NOT be doing that tomorrow night, Barbara. It was disgusting."
I didn't feel the need to remind her that we weren't even performing tomorrow night. Whatever.
The dress I have to wear is totally bogus. The zip was broken when we first got it, so we asked Aidan's mother to fix it with little hooks, but I'm not fat enough to fill out the dress, so the hooks keep on coming undone.
-exasperated sigh-
I should walk the dog, and wash my hair. Good day.

Away

This is my excuse for studying. I'm going to type a small essay about 'Away' by Michael Gow.

'Away' is a play about three ordinary families, as they venture out on their Christmas vacation in 1968. It explores love, escape, death, friendship and acceptance in all it's forms. Despite the families being absolutely average, they differ greatly from one another. The first family consists of Meg, and her parents Gwen and Jim. Gwen is an overbearing mother who believes herself to be a martyr, whereas Jim is a passive man who tries to mediate family issues (of which there are many). Meg is stuck someone in the middle, and has a lot to say, but has no one to say it to.

The second family is home to the play's protagonist, Tom. He and his parents, Harry and Vic, are english migrants. In an attempt to escape from their son's illness, Harry and Vic are trying to have a vacation to remember. They both think that their son won't have a good time, and ask him to pretend to 'for [his] mother's/father's sake'. Gwen, who is a stubborn woman, believes that you shouldn't go on a holiday 'of you can't afford one'. Tom, who finds an alter-ego in the faerie Puck, gives her a Puck-ish curse by saying 'I hope it rains, I hope your dunnies overflow and you all have the runs.'


Fuck.... this is so boring.

Ohmigawd I can die happy!

-sigh- Zutara is finally happeneing! AFTER ALL THIS WAITING!


God, I am such an Avatard. I need a life. So what if it was JUST A HUG!? That's like saying the Crossroads of Destiny was JUST an episode, or that Iroh is JUST an uncle.

God, I'm going to faint from nerdiness. :)

Oh. And flu. That as well.

Update:
Well, well. All you Kataangers probably think you're big shit, now. Well, here's a newsflash; You're Not.
Sure, it ended with Kataang. But the entire finale of Sozin's comet was a load of shit. It was visually pleasing, and the fight scenes were epic, but I have many things that I am pissed about.
This is taken from daveshan's dA entry. I agree with everything he says:

1. The Avatar State

What the hell was the point of mastering the other elements? Aang went AS and basically bitch-slapped Ozai around like the pheonix king was a freaking new-born chick. There really was no point in training anything else.

That general from "The Avatar State" was right. There is no point to learning the elements. Figure out that on your own time. For now, glow it up, take out Ozai, save the world, and we'll call you if we need you again.

By the way, they would have been successful in glowing it up if they had just jabbed Aang in the back, which brings us to wrong thing #2.

2.No "has to let her go"

I'm not complaining about this as a Zutarian. I'm complaining about this as a fan of the show.

This was the reason Ba Sing Se fell. This was the reason that Azula was able to go home with the knowledge that the eclipse was coming. But, low and behold, Aang just needed a good slap on the back with a pointed rock. WTF!

Hey, AtLA, did you guys order the plate of uber DEUS EX MACHINA?

Look, if you wanted to say, when he leaves the AS, he can have Katara, fine, do that. But don't just completely ignore the point altogether.

3.Aang not killing Ozai

This was supposed to be it. Aang's final loss of innocence. Something he couldn't get out of. All the Avatars said he had to do it. His friends said he had to. Ozai was willing to kill. Yet, Aang doesn't and there's no consequence to it.

Oh, and how does he do it? That's the beauty and it brings us to #4.

4.Bending bending

WTF! I'm sorry, AtLA, my mistake. That was two orders of DEUS EX MACHINA that you wanted.

Only one person can stop people from bending and that's Ty Lee. She did it with jabs and pressure points, not bending bending.

Couldn't we have one last blast from Ozai to show that it wasn't perfect. Something that doesn't keep #5 from happening?

5.No deaths

Suki falls on a blimp with no way of making it out, but miraculously is safe? Ozai couldn't have delivered one last blast, maybe killing Sokka, Suki, or Toph? No one dies? Aang's decision to spare Ozai has absolutely no consequnce?

SHAME ON YOU MIKE AND BRYAN!

Why was this so important? Because it could have been the perfect time to reveal #6 and not have it lost forever.

6.Toph's crush on Sokka

She never tells him.

*Lowers head and shakes it*

No more needs to be said about #6.

7.Kuzon

Couldn't we have so kind of closure on this? What was his ultimate fate? Did he side with the Fire Nation? Did he try to spare the air nomads? What happened? Could he have been Ursa's father? Maybe he just died.

Who knows? Tell us!

8.Long Feng

If you read my fanfic, I had high hopes for Long Feng. After all, they never showed him die. They never showed him in a jail cell. They never did anything.

He was one of the most cunning, manipulative, and ruthless men in AtLA. He should have seen Azula's move coming and planned for it. So where was it? Where was he?

Closure please!

9.Azula

Kind of the same thing as Long Feng. She goes mad, but we don't know her fate. Throw her in the cell next to Ozai.

10.Dai Lee

Hey, you are all banished. Don't expect to face punishment for your crimes against the Earth Kingdom or anything. Just go bye-bye.

11.Comet lasts for a few hours

It didn't even last a day! How the hell was the Fire Nation going to burn the Earth Kingdom to the ground in a few hours? They could have had ten times as many air ships as that and never made it to Ba Sing Se.

12.Aang never had to grow up

A combination of points 1, 2, 3, 5, and the fact that he got Katara. When has Aang ever had to learn how the real world works?

He never had to lose anything as far as the series goes. He stuck to his morals and there was no consequence. He got the girl that he wanted, despite the fact that he never made any real moves at her or gave any overt signals that he liked her until the three times in the final 11 episodes.

The worst, the absolute worst part of all was that his deus ex machina AS path didn't make him find a new way. He didn't dig deep into the depths of his soul and pull out the power in the hardest way. It just accidentally happened. What does that teach kids? I'll tell you what it teaches kids:

For those of you who read the comic strip "Pearls Before Swine" on July 20, 2008, this will sound familiar.

The message is, luck and timing are much more important than personal effort.

Really, that's it. He just accidentally gets jabbed in the scar and he goes AS. No hard work, no sacrifice, just Ozai holding back a little on his fire and Aang goes AS.

Way to fucking-go Mike and Bryan. Way to fucking-go. Just take the biggest journey in the show, the voyage of growing up, and excuse the main character from having any part of it.

Way to fucking-go.

13. Lion Turtle

Sorry, that was three plates of DEUS EX MACHINA! However, this one had a side of: Can't bend on it for some reason.

Why did Aang swim there anyway?

14 and 15.Iroh and/or Zuko vs Ozai

Come on! We wanted to see that so badly. Couldn't you have one of them battle him while Aang is trying to get a second way into the AS?

16.June

Shows up, makes a Zutara joke, finds Iroh, and leaves.

Chit Seng had a bigger role then that.

17.Ty Lee's feelings for Sokka

Same issue as Toph, but to a less degree.

*Shakes head without lowering it*

18.Iroh in the spirit world

WTF HAPPENED THERE?

He had a vision that he'd conquer Ba Sing Se. Anything else? That didn't even definitively say that he went to the Spirit World to see it. What happened there?

Even if Lu Ten died, that's not enough to make him want to end the war, but not even try to kick Ozai off the throne to do it.

19.Everyone just accepts Zuko

Hey, look, citizens of Ba Sing Se! The guy who helped capture our city is now the fire lord. Oh well, I guess if Aang supports him, I'll recognize him. That's good enough for me.

20.Zuko never shoots lightening

This was supposed to be the overt moment when we knew that Zuko had forgiven the last person he needed it from, himself.

I was holding my breath through Zuko and Azula's battle, which was the highlight of the movie, waiting for him to shoot it. But, no. It never happens. Not once. Not at all. I hate Mike and Bryan for that. I really do.

21.Combustion man is never explained

This one is really just a peeve. In order to know the most BAMF villain's history, you had to go online to Nick.com and read about him.

That's just wrong.

22.Ursa

Nobody better be disagreeing with me about this! We have all been holding in the biggest "Awwwww" for when Zuko and Ursa re-unite. Do we get that? No. Do we get Ursa confronting Azula? No. We do get an illusion of Ursa, but that's pretty much a low-blow as far as consolation prizes go.

But what really, really ticked me off about this was #23.

23.Zuko interrogates Ozai, then joins the Gaang for tea

WHAT! He knows where Ursa is, but wants to have tea first? I think everyone would understand if Zuko said, "Hey, guys, rain check on the tea, alright? I have to find my mother. SINCE I NOW KNOW WHERE SHE IS!"

You fucked that up, Mike and Bryan. You fucked that up royally.

24.Zuko's scar

It's never healed and he never tells the Gaang how he got it.

You know, if he wanted to keep it as a mark of what he's gone through, fine. But say that. They can get more spirit water.

Also, how many of us were just waiting to see the reaction on the Gaang's face when they found out who scarred Zuko and why.

25.Lieutenant Jee

A peeve like combustion man. He should have been brought back.

26.No official Toph nick-name for Zuko

Why not? Are we just supposed to settle with the fandom-name of Sparky? Give us a solid one.
--------------------------------
And what's #27? It is something that pains me! Boils my blood! Makes me see red! Fills me with complete and absolute hatred for Mike and Bryan for making such a crappy end and for myself for not seeing how bad they are at making stories!

I hate you for this above everything, Mike and Bryan. If you are reading this, I hope you don't see another God-damn penny for your work because it fails so much because of #27. You had a perfect opportunity to prevent it as well as many of the other points in this essay.

I hate you for this, Mike and Bryan. Your work inspired me to start writing real works to be published and I hate you for this.

27.Koh

WHAT THE HELL DIDDLY-DO-DONG FUCK? YOU KNEW HE WAS THERE! YOU DIDN'T FORGET HIM! YOU ACKNOWLEDGED HIM WHILE AANG WAS TALKING TO HIS PAST SELVES! WHERE WAS HE?

Does anyone else realize how many problems this could have saved ending from? Let's look at it like this:

-The imbalance of the Fire Nation's power and the comet allowed Koh to slip into our world. That's how he gets in.

-The Lion Turtle is Koh in disguise. We know Koh's power is great, that explains why Koh could have made a spot where Aang couldn't bend

-Koh wants Aang to not want to kill so that when he himself confronts Aang, Aang won't be used to killing. That's why he tells Aang to find a different way of beating Ozai and that teaches Aang to grow up and face reality.

-Koh attacks after Ozai is beaten, maybe steals a face or two, and Aang has to kill him to save them.

-A battle with Koh could also point out why he needed to master all four elements and not just glow it up.

Koh was laughing ominously at the end of season 1 and saying that he would meet the avatar again! How did that not signal that he was coming back? I wanted him back. I wanted to see him fight. It also left so many questions unanswered.

Why does he steal faces? Why did he take it upon himself to steal Kuruk's fiance's face? What is the purpose of a spirit who steals faces when you express emotion?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?


You said it, daveshan. You said it.

Shame on you, Bryke. Shame. On. You.